I honestly didn’t want to talk to her, but I was at a ‘ladies that lunch’ type of event so I had to. She asked halfheartedly how I was and I said “Great! Busy as always!” with a chuckle. She then says to me, in all seriousness, “Yeah, I just had a kid so I’m actually busy.” She wasn’t kidding. I stood there stunned. Not because she said it (she’s always been a very self-involved human being), but because as a woman I guess I expected more from her. Are moms very busy? Hell yes! Are women that do not have kids (whether by choice or not) less busy than their motherly counter parts? Hell no! We are all busy in our own ways. “…so I’m actually busy” the words stuck with me and infuriated me. Obviously still does to this day, and it’s been probably 5 years.
A few months ago I went for my yearly appointment. My regular doctor left so I had to try a new one out. I was ready to break-up with him as my doc anyways, so to me this worked out perfectly. I looked at the list of potentials and there was a women who I thought would be good. I hadn’t had a female OB-GYN yet, so why not give her a try. She came into the room and barely said hello. I, perky as usual, say “Hey! Nice to meet you!” “So you’re trying to get pregnant,” she said matter-of-factly. Completely confused I look at her and reply “Ummm no.” “Why not?” “Cause I’m not ready yet.” She starts to seem agitated and says “You know there’s no such thing as perfect timing.” “I know that.” “No you don’t.” Hold up. This woman who I’m meeting for the very first time is trying to tell ME I don’t know how I feel about something, especially something as huge as parenthood?! I’m keeping calm, but getting pretty pissed off at this point. She starts going into the statistics… “You know how old you are, right?” Yes, I am aware of how old I am. Then she goes on about how she’s the fertility expert and sees women even younger than me trying to conceive and can’t. She asks again why I’m not trying since I’m in a committed relationship. I’m trying to explain (though I don’t think I should have to) that we have other priorities at the moment, but in the next few years… She reiterates there’s no such thing as perfect timing, and even if my boyfriend isn’t ready I should just start trying now. I’m in shock. Is she seriously telling me to just try to get pregnant even if I’m not ready? And if my boyfriend isn’t ready screw his wants/needs- do it!?! She instructs me to change into the hospital gown and she’ll be back in a few minutes. I sat there thinking a whirlwind of things like, I do NOT want this woman near my hoo-ha! I’ve never walked out on a doctor’s appointment, can I even do it? There’s a window, I could totally climb out of it. I stayed even though I was pissed/scared/offended. I left there ready to write a complaint to the hospital. I didn’t, though I should have. I recently received a letter saying she was leaving the hospital to go elsewhere. Good riddance! I’ll try to have a kid when my boyfriend and I are ready to, thanks.
I’m pretty lucky that at my ripe “old” age I don’t get a lot of flack (for the most part) from family members about “when are you gonna start trying?!” But there have a been some instances from family and even friends where I have had to hear that I’m “…not getting any younger champ!” That’s incredibly annoying to hear, by the way.
Why there is so much pressure from others to get pregnant and when I just don’t understand. I could not imagine looking at another woman and saying “ummmm the clock is ticking!! You’re not 20 anymore!!” If you happen to be one of those baby shamers (whether intentional or not) please try to be considerate. Maybe someone doesn’t want to have kids and doesn’t feel the need to explain themselves. Maybe someone has secretly been trying, but again wants to keep that info private. Maybe that person is just like me and wants kids, but at this moment isn’t trying…and that’s perfectly ok. Women do conceive in their 30s and 40s and have perfectly healthy babies. For some the process was easy, others trying. Respect all of that.
And remember: Just because someone isn’t a parent it doesn’t mean they aren’t just as busy, happy and fulfilled as someone that is.